The butcher has just left. We're going to send both Edward & Tubbs together at the beginning of April. He'll turn Ed into joints & chops and will prepare Tubbs for the spit & will freeze her until the wedding party. He's going to take them himself to the abattoir & has said that I can come as well. I told him he needs to be prepared for tears on the day & he said he totally understands. We discussed him slaughtering them here, which he said he's more than happy to do, but we'll need a huge vat of boiling water & I don't think that'll be logistically possible. Also, as soon as he mentioned the huge vat of boiling water, it all became much more real & I don't know if I could deal with knowing that was going on just behind the barn door. I don't know, I'll discuss it with Jeff tonight & see what he thinks. A part of me would like it done here - for reasons I've mentioned before, but now it's all becoming very much more a fact rather than just something that's being spoken about, I don't think I can go through with that. At least if they're away from here & I've gone with them, all the nasty bit is done away from ear/eye shot.
When he left, I really cried. I know I have to do this & I know I will do this, but I'm really sad at doing it. It's such a strange feeling - of course, I've never had to go through anything like this before & I suppose everything I've felt up to this stage has been new to me, but blimey this bit's horrible. I'm a very caring person (at least I think I am) and am finding it increasingly difficult to be 'matter of fact' about the whole process.... The 'tough' Alex is looking on the bright side - at least we'll be able to have a whole hog roast, and at least I can go with them to try to keep them a bit calm. The 'soft' Alex is screaming - NO!!! LET THEM LIVE FOREVER! I'm trying desperately to find the 'happy medium' Alex! If you see her anywhere, can you ask her to give me a call.....
VP x
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